Forgiving My Body

One thing that was hard in the first few weeks after delivering CJ was the fact that my body had "failed" me and my baby. It was especially difficult for me-- as someone who craves control-- to not have a reason for why this had all happened. 

I had been perfectly healthy. I felt a lot of guilt for being physically active and working a lot in the weeks leading up to his birth. Although all doctors I have discussed this with said that my physical activity had nothing to do with it, I wished I had just relaxed more or ate more fruits or something.

The only explanation any doctor could guess at was that there must have been some type of infection in my body. Apparently our bodies know to "kick out" the baby to prevent any issues. The other possible issue could be related to my uterus. The doctor who performed my c-section said that my uterus was a "strange" shape. I've tried googling that to no avail. I'll be having a followup MRI to see if there are any answers there.

But I've started to forgive my body. I try to hold on to the appreciation of the small things. Being able to breastfeed has been a huge help for me (my body has graced me with making the nourishment he has needed to grow), but outside of that it's helped me be physically strong enough to care for him despite lack of sleep and the like.

I've also had to come to terms with never being able to have a "normal" birth. I had a classical c-section (due to his prematurity and the rapid nature of his birth) and that type of cut poses some future complications. I've been advised that any future babies will be born via c-section around 36 weeks, to avoid any issues. 

Has anyone else had to come to terms with your body's "failure" relating to childbirth?