When my pregnancy was cut short at 29 weeks, I felt I missed out on a bunch of milestones, especially for a first pregnancy. When I was in the hospital, I didn't want the focus to be on me, I wanted the focus on CJ. But when I think back, I do have some melancholy about a few things I never got the chance to experience:
- Packing a hospital bag - I went to the hospital in shorts and a tank top and didn't bring anything else with me. I wanted to pick out the perfect pjs and robe for first family photos.
- Going to a childbirth class and hospital tour - We had ours scheduled for October, they didn't want me to book any earlier. So this was canceled.
- Having a shower before my son was born - I did have a shower in November once he was home and we were settled. And it was lovely, but I spent my shower missing him since it was my first few hours spent out of the house.
- Picking out a "going home" outfit - His outfit was cute, but was something we had received as a gift. I didn't have anything planned for that first car ride.
- Being really big and pregnant - I know 39 week pregnant mamas will think that's crazy, and I probably would've complained had I gotten there, but I always imagined having a big belly.
- Feeling CJ move in my belly - I felt flutters, but I think because of how he was positioned I never felt real kicks or movement
- Experiencing labor - When my water broke, I was experiencing contractions every few minutes but I couldn't feel them. Again, I know a lot of people would say skipping the whole labor thing was probably a benefit, but it feels like I missed part of the process.
It's a little hard for me when I see others going through all of this stuff. Of course I'm happy for them and wouldn't want anyone else to experience the trauma of prematurity, but I do get these pangs of jealousy that are unfamiliar to me. It doesn't take long for me to look at my perfect little guy and forget it, but it's still there and probably won't really go away or may just take a while.